Sentimentality

Yesterday was spring-cleaning day, which in and of itself is more of a chore than anything else. But it turned emotional for me—pretty quickly. Music from the 70s and 80s played in the background as we pulled down boxes that hadn’t been opened in years. I had forgotten about the contents inside.

 

At my core, I am very much a sentimentalist. It is hard for me to let go of things that remind me of the past. But because my life has been so wildly busy, it has been easy to tuck those nostalgic feelings away. Not so yesterday.

 

As I pulled out J’s baby clothes—nine-month sleepers that reminded me of snuggling him as a baby and 2T t-shirts that he wore as a toddler during our road trip—the sentimental person I had tucked away reemerged with a vengeance. I held up the tiniest of tiny preemie clothes that Zane wore after he was first born. And as I looked at both of my boys in the room with me, I realized how quickly they are growing up, how I won’t ever have those baby times with them again. Something caught in my throat—an almost-sob, a longing for the past.

 

I showed J a cute outfit he once wore when he was an infant. “I want you to be little again,” I told him. “Well, I don’t want to be little, mom.” And he’s right. He needs to grow up. Zane needs to grow up. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have a quiet moment or two where I miss the past—deeply.

 

It is true: having children makes one feel the passage of time acutely. It is hard for me to let them go little by little with each passing year. But that’s part of being a mom (or dad). In a way, the clothes are symbolic. They represent the times and memories I have created with my kiddos. And I hope what we’ve created together in the past will remain with them in the future—mold them into the men they will someday become. I am eternally grateful to have J and Zane in my life. I have the best boys in the world.

 

So I managed to put some of the baby clothes in a yard-sale pile. But others I kept. Because while I can let go to some extent, there are some things I simply need to hold on to.